My friend wrote me a letter just a few days before I left for college. I came across it today when I was looking for a scrap piece of paper I could use as a bookmark. It was folded up in my desk, left forgotten, but still clean and crisp. And I love old notes so of course, I started to read it.
Allison and I…we were always complicated. There are moments where I would hate her and she would hate me, too, but they were never really voiced out loud but shown through pathetic actions (mostly mine), like I would avoid her or never have the guts to tell her that she suffocates me, or ignore her texts and calls… I read the Time Traveller’s Wife over break and came across this quote:
"And when somebody is that patient, you have to feel grateful, and then you want to hurt them. Does that make any sense?"
That’s exactly how I feel about her. She’s always been there for me, gave me countless rides in her car, always talked to me when I needed someone, etc. etc. like a real friend. But I couldn’t ever give back the same amount that she has given me.
I always had this grand notion about being “best friends” like when you share those Best Friends Forever necklaces, it really meant that you were tied together for the rest of your life. Like in fourth grade, I had these two “best friends” in which we did everything together: go hiking, sit in our own little group in class, called each other to talk about boys, write notes and whatever. But the reality of going to different middle schools, hanging out with different people, and not sharing the same interests anymore has started to disappoint me.
But then I found this new friendship with Jamie. After this one church retreat where we spent hours away from people exploring the camp and told each other stories, we realized something different, something special. I immediately knew there was something much deeper than any other friendships I had before. This does kind of homosexual, but you know in a way, she was my first love: the first time I could establish such a strong relationship with anyone and to have the same love and loyalty shown back to me. We confided in each other, help each other with our faith, wrote stories. She lived about 40 minutes from me so we occasionally had sleepovers, but we always saw each other at church every week where we would exchange our notebook that were filled with stuff going on during the week we would have it, our thoughts, stories and whatnot. But one day she told me that she was moving across the country and ever since she left, I wasn’t able to find the same level of friendship anymore, with her, and with anyone else. Nolan. Nolan knows so much about me, and he’ll listen when I need someone to listen and give advice and find ways to comfort me. But I don’t consider him to be my friend. It’s different.
Really, Allison should’ve been this new Jamie. I didn’t let her though, I couldn’t. I was stubborn, for the longest time, too, which I feel like prevented what could’ve been something so much better. But I found comfort in guys instead. Throughout most of high school, I didn’t consider friends to be all that important (which I regret) but the guys that I’ve dated had great influence on me…many ups and downs, complications, lots of dumb shit. And somewhere deep within my subconscious, I blame this all on Jamie. My mistakes and inability to be faithful, to be fully sincere, to be selfless…I blame this on her.
I know I’m being selfish. When anyone is geographically further away, so do the phone calls and instant messages and letters…The last time I talked to her was first semester of freshman year through a text message. But since then, I haven’t heard from her. And I don’t want to.
"I pretty much dreaded the day that you were going to be leaving for college ever since I met you during freshman year and now that day is finally here."
"I’ve learned a lot from you. I’ve learned that pain can come in all different shapes and forms and that time can heal anything, as long as you are willing to be patient. And I’ve learned that everyone deals with it in different ways and that while some people seek other for comfort, other people prefer to comfort themselves and deal with things their own way."
"The world is not quite the place I have thought it to be and I realize that always being there for someone doesn’t always help."
"You seem happy now. You seem the happiest I’ve ever seen you when you’re with Nolan and that’s why I don’t understand why things have to end between you and him while you’re away. But at the same time I do understand completely.
"I just really don’t want you to forget this night because that night had different meanings for the both of us and I think something can be learned from that night."
"It’s just that I have also felt a lot of bitterness towards you because you have hurt me pretty bad in the past. I still remember the first time you told me you hated me, or the first time you avoided me in the halls, and the time you pushed me out of your car and left me there. And I know I always bring up the past and I’m sorry for that too. It’s just sometimes I hated you. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t care about you. But in the end, I could never stay mad at you and I think this is important for me to say."
"The truth is, you have had a big impact on who I have become and sometimes I don’t like those parts of me. You never appreciated me."
I realized that I never listened to her. I was so wrapped up in my own concerns that I never really, really listened to her. And with shit that’s happened for the past two years…I can’t honestly say to myself that I’ve tried, tried to be a better person, tried to change. Sometimes, I really want to forget everyone at home and really start anew, but that’s being a coward, right? An easier route to take than to rebuild, earn trust again, to really change your mind, and to have others change their mind about you.
To live without regrets is not just to turn your back and forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve done, but also to stop making those mistakes.
"Everything that shines ain’t always gonna be gold again."
I’m finally done with the 30 day challenge. However, I think the part of the challenge was to do one every day, which obviously I couldn’t keep up with ): but I made up for all of the ones I missed and here are the last two:
Day 29 - Goals for the next 30 days.
Well, I’m going back to school next week, so I just want to start off the semester strong: stay on top of things, keep to a schedule, not miss out on anything. But more specifically:
Go to office hours every week
Use my weekends to do homework
Day 30 - Your highs and lows of this month.
This month just started…
No big, serious fights with my family while I was home
I am currently staying with Nolan for the rest of break (:
I found the right Tumblr theme I think I’ll be using for a while now? I’m gonna change the pink though
I found a daily devotional to follow
Nolan bought me some clothes to make up for the lack of birthday and Christmas presents :P I think I’ll post some pictures later (:
I’m watching this awesome series called Lie To Me (introduced by Nolan). It’s about this scientist that can read people’s faces in search of the truth for the cases he works on. Pretty neat. I love the opening.
I’m kind of bored? Not enough for me to really complain about. I hear Nolan leave for work in the morning, I sleep until noon, get up and read or watch a show or two, go online, whatever until he would come back around 5 ish.
Nolan and I are sleeping on a twin size bed. It’s kind of crammed and my back hurts every night -.- But I found out last night that if I sleep without a pillow, I’m good (:
“The desire to love someone always exceeds the desire to be loved by someone and that’s exactly why we end up loving the person who doesn’t deserve that love.”—Anirban Bose (Bombay Rains, Bombay Girls)
Day 1 Your fave book. Day 2 Your fave movie. Day 3 Is there any of the films adaptations that have made you angry because they’ve ignored important parts of the book. Day 4 Least fave female character and why. Day 5 Fave male character and why. Day 6 What house would you want to be in. Day…
I’m attracted to brunettes, guys that have a skinny frame but muscular. Someone who wears flannels and skinny jeans and awesome sneakers and beanies. But that’s not a jerk. If you’re a jerk, it’s a turn-off. Anyone who’s respectful to others and gives a great first impression is always a plus. Selfless. Is really good at something, whatever that talent might be. And pursuing your interests, whatever that might be. Someone who has a job: it shows that you can take care of yourself. Gotta be smart, shows that you’re not dumb. Has priorities. Family oriented. I know this sounds weird, but has to be one of the older siblings. I think it’s because I’m the oldest sibling in my family and want to keep that dynamic? hahaha
Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents. Sneaking out, lying to them saying that I have work or projects when I really was going to see Nolan or hang out with friends, skipping school. I didn’t do anything too terrible to my parents :P
Day 20 - How important you think education is. Of course, it’s important to me. My parents pay for it, I can’t let them down. If I don’t graduate with this degree, I won’t get to work where I want to.
Day 22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years. 2 years ago, I was 18 years old and I was a senior in high school. Personality wise, I don’t think I’ve changed much. But when it comes to decision making, reputation, yeah.
Day 25 - Someone who fascinates you and why. Nolan. I won’t say why.